Selected poems from the books,
I'm Not Feeling Like Myself Today
and
Something Strange
I'm Not Feeling Like Myself Today
and
Something Strange
I'm Not Feeling Like Myself Today
I’m not feeling like myself today,
In fact I look quite green.
My face has acquired an olive cast,
A shade I’ve never seen!
My skin’s becoming moist and smooth,
I’m breaking out in spots.
My legs have grown to twice their length,
And when I sit, I squat!
My eyeballs bulge grotesquely
And are too big for my head.
What’s worse, I don’t want burgers and fries,
I crave worms and flies instead!
This is getting quite ridiculous,
But believe me, it’s no joke!
When I just tried to rip off a burp,
I didn’t burp…I croaked!
I’m thinking now in retrospect,
It didn’t show much tact or pause.
To call the lady next door a witch
When in fact that‘s what she was!
BIGFOOT!
In a secluded forest, dark and deep,
a creature known as Bigfoot creeps,
stomping upon gargantuan feet,
emitting a stench like rotting meat.
Matted hair, dark and plain
completely envelops its massive frame.
Eerie shrieks and howls like thunder
echo from this cryptic wonder.
The source of many silly jokes,
he’s scorned by skeptics as a hoax.
Still there is a mass appeal
for those who swear the beast is real,
forever seeking in their defense
that credible piece of evidence.
A living specimen or authentic remains
are the elusive proof they must obtain.
Is he a survivor from long ago,
or perhaps a visitor from a UFO?
I’ll comb these woods and try my best
to put these mysteries, at last, to rest.
And if perchance I am confronted,
with he the hunter and I the hunted,
My one wish is to avoid the worst
and hope that I will find him first!
I'm Sorry!
I hope you will forgive me
for the awful things I said,
Like calling you a walrus
and a sour pickle head.
But with your bushy mustache
and oversized front teeth,
You must admit you do look like
that odd aquatic beast.
I truly couldn’t help myself,
I was clearly in the wrong,
to let out that little ‘fanny burp’
and then blame it on the dog.
But now I’ll be more courteous
and not a vulgar brat.
(Next time I make a disgusting noise
I’ll blame it on the cat!)
I hope you will excuse me
For behavior awfully rude,
releasing an enormous belch
While my mouth was full of food.
You said a hundred million times
That behavior has to stop!
(Now before somebody slips and falls
Should I go and get the mop?)
It was just a silly accident,
I really meant no harm.
How was I to know my experiment
would set off the smoke alarm?
Next time I use the microwave
I’ll use some common sense
and put in only proper things
Instead of Daddy‘s underpants.
I sincerely do apologize
for being naughty now and then.
But I just can’t seem to help myself,
it’s the way I’ve always been!
So I beg you, please forgive me,
I know your nerves are shot.
I’ll say “I’m sorry” a million times
(Though honestly, I‘m not!)